In the wake of struggling massively with my anxiety and sleep over the last few weeks, and all the other stressful things that have demanded attention in my life, I’ve sort of lost track of the fact that we have our first appointment. We’ve tentatively decided to try stimulated ovulation straight away, so we have an appointment to get the drugs and sign forms, and then it will be only a week or so of checking how my follicles are developing and how many eggs I am ovulating (if any) and then, theoretically, insemination.
You know sometimes I find it a bit depressing, the way in which all of this has to be medicalized for us. I mean obviously, if it wasn’t for medicine we wouldn’t be able to do it at all! But…I guess I’m a bit jealous of your average straight couple, who gets to do baby making without the long words and scans and injections.
I am doing a bit better every week now with the anxiety, but I do wonder if I should put this all off a bit, give myself time to truly get my anxiety under control.
But then another part of me says, I’m just as entitled to want a baby as anyone else, and who knows what the future holds. We’ve already had to wait so long. And who knows how many cycles we’ll have to try!
So I just keep working at other people’s speed, basically. Which is not exactly proactive, but then – maybe everyone just does the best they can do. I am not really doing much research into stimulated vs non-stimulated ovulation – I looked into it to try and see if they had any different success rates but no one seems to have actually studied the difference! – so I feel a tiny bit like I’m going into it a bit blind, but then I only have so much capacity, so much time, so much worry to spend. Maybe it’s ok to leave somethings in the hands of doctors and go with the flow.
I think this feels like a post of indecision – I think I’ll title it so. Decisions are hard for me when they are important, because the consequences seem so crucial but yet uncertain. I can make my best guess about what decision will lead to result A, but the truth is I can’t actually make result A happen. Instead I simply start a domino reaction with a bazillion splits, a hundred different ways they might fall. Decisions feel like they mean so much, and yet they offer no real control of the future. There’s nothing but unformed consequences waiting with a pile of guilt in the wings.
So if we can’t control how the dominos fall, if we can’t choose the future but only make the best choices we can in the present with the hopes that the future works out, if in fact we can’t control much of anything about what will happen to us or how our choices will pan out – why do I spend so much time worrying about it?