So, I have been looking at sperm for about a year.
To clarify – not actual sperm. That would be super gross.
But donor websites, and profiles. Thinking about what we wanted genetically from a donor, without the decision feeling very real. I was much more into this than B, and looked for ages at the free info available on the websites we can use.
But then shit got real, and we bought the packages to see pictures, and get actual information about these people who are theoretically going to make up half the genetic material of our kid. And that was terrifying enough.
But then shit got even realer. And suddenly instead of looking at pictures and essays and saying, “oh he looks ok” or “god no!” – we actually have to make a decision.
I’m not a bad decision maker. But the truth is I like to put off the actual moment of decision as long as possible. When we go on holiday I take like 10 books, because I don’t know which ones I’ll be in the mood for. And without really realizing it, I’ve been procrastinating the hell out of this one. Because it is so huge.
I don’t really know where I stand on the nature vs nurture debate. I think intellectually I’m more on the side of nurture, but viscerally (and especially on this subject), I feel more on the side of nature. Or at least, that nature is really quite important.
So that means this feels like the biggest decision in the world, like we’re picking who our child will be, and that is crazy, because I want our child to be half me and half B. But sadly science isn’t there yet and well, fine, then the intellectual side jumps in and says that it will be half of us, because we’ll be raising it. But.
Then there’s the thing where I’m not sure I like ANY of them enough. But I guess that’s down to wanting B’s genetics not some random stranger’s.
I didn’t expect to feel like this. And where we thought we had another month or so until the Nurse appointment to make this decision, it turns out we need to make it super quick. So we just gotta do it. And I think we know who we’ll be picking, I think we’ve got a favorite.
But I kind of wish we could just have the baby without any of these shenanigans.