Monthly Archives: September 2013

My favourite search term leading people to this blog BY FAR is ‘artificial wombs’. Its been used more than once to find the blog tho I’m not sure why.

Of course artificial wombs are awesome. One of the best inventions in science fiction and I hope some day real science. Can you imagine the way that would change gender politics?

But unfortunately no such device exists yet. We’ll have to keep using our bodies as wombs, crazy design tho it is. Not taking medicines that could help us, not drinking, carrying around a ridiculous heavy bump…such a good idea pregnancy.


I haven’t talked much about my anxiety in a while.*  But unfortunately, that’s not because it has gone away. While I have finished the slow process of going off my meds, and have now been off them for a couple of months, there does seem to have been a reason I was on them. Everything was just a little bit easier when I was on my drugs. I found it a bit easier to cope with problems, quite a bit easier to sleep (my insomnia has come back much stronger than its been in years), easier to handle stress and over working. I miss that little bit of easier. Things are generally a bit harder now.There’s more struggle.

I don’t want to go back on the drugs if I can help it. Even if the risk of birth defects is only increased by a couple of percentage points, I worry enormously about what would happy to my potential baby’s brain as it’s developing. I mean they barely understand what SSRIs do in our brains, why they help with anxiety and depression. So how can they (they being the medical community here) know how they affect the developing brain of a fetus?

But equally, I don’t want to be miserable. That wouldn’t be good for the fetus either, as they do know that too much stress hormone is really quite bad for the fetus.

I’m kind of seeing how things go. But I just wish things were easier! And I’m waiting for them to develop artificial wombs.


*Ok side note. And this is so random but – what is the difference between awhile and a while? I have never known and always written both versions willy nilly.



We picked our donor. After much agonizing and me being paranoid that maybe he didn’t smile enough in the pictures and therefore there was something wrong with him (I’m not kidding, that was a real worry of mine. Yes, I can worry about anything).

We picked him, we talked to the lab, we filled out various paperwork (or at least we talked about filling it out and will totally do so tomorrow!), we confirmed prices and calculated how much we could buy…and then tonight we called.

Excited and a little bit nervous we huddled around my computer and talked to the international person.

“Yes” we said, “We are ready to order. We’d like donor X.”

Only turns out, Donor X has been snapped up by 10 UK families and is no longer compliant since a couple weeks ago.

That was a bit of a shock.

So we got off the phone to look things over. It turned out, Donor Y (the other of the final 2) wasn’t available for the UK anymore either! That’s what we get for not searching but just going straight to the profiles to pore over every detail.

We looked at who else was available, and new donors, and found someone we liked who was new, we’d never seen him before, and we looked at everything about him once, looked at his pictures three times and his educational info twice and his donor essay then in the end, after having looked through 20 profiles in 40 minutes  – we just went for it. We bought it.


We spent 3+ months looking at sperm donors. I spent at least a month of that time agonozing over how big a decision it was, and the last week in a panic about it. And in the end, we chose someone in 40 minutes*. And I think I like him better than I liked Donor X!

Life’s kind of funny.



*to be fair, those 3 months meant we really knew what we wanted…

So, I have been looking at sperm for about a year.

To clarify – not actual sperm. That would be super gross.

But donor websites, and profiles. Thinking about what we wanted genetically from a donor, without the  decision feeling very real. I was much more into this than B, and looked for ages at the free info available on the websites we can use.

But then shit got real, and we bought the packages to see pictures, and get actual information about these people who are theoretically going to make up half the genetic material of our kid. And that was terrifying enough.

But then shit got even realer. And suddenly instead of looking at pictures and essays and saying, “oh he looks ok” or “god no!” – we actually have to make a decision.

I’m not a bad decision maker. But the truth is I like to put off the actual moment of decision as long as possible. When we go on holiday I take like 10 books, because I don’t know which ones I’ll be in the mood for. And without really realizing it, I’ve been procrastinating the hell out of this one. Because it is so huge.

I don’t really know where I stand on the nature vs nurture debate. I think intellectually I’m more on the side of nurture, but viscerally (and especially on this subject), I feel more on the side of nature. Or at least, that nature is really quite important.

So that means this feels like the biggest decision in the world, like we’re picking who our child will be, and that is crazy, because I want our child to be half me and half B. But sadly science isn’t there yet and well, fine, then the intellectual side jumps in and says that it will be half of us, because we’ll be raising it. But.

Then there’s the thing where I’m not sure I like ANY of them enough. But I guess that’s down to wanting B’s genetics not some random stranger’s.

I didn’t expect to feel like this. And where we thought we had another month or so until the Nurse appointment to make this decision, it turns out we need to make it super quick. So we just gotta do it. And I think we know who we’ll be picking, I think we’ve got a favorite.

But I kind of wish we could just have the baby without any of these shenanigans.

I just called the clinic to chase about getting a nurse’s appointment, as we were told to do at our last appointment, and boy, was it ridiculous.
At first the receptionist asks “when is your treatment scheduled for?”
and I was like…I don’t know, that’s why I’m calling for an appointment!! Though in a much nicer way of course.
Then she looked it up on the system and said I was scheduled for January. And I’m saying, I really don’t think that’s right, that’s not what the doctor said at all. And so she got a bit sniffy and started going on about waiting lists and how everyone has to wait their turn.
Then finally I made it clear that it was IUI not IVF (trying for a whisper at my desk that would be loud enough to be heard over my mobile), and then she says we don’t need a nurses appointment!
So I’m like, the doctor said we did, and she’s reading our last letter and going ‘who is this doctor who wrote this’ all annoyed at the lack of info – HA! – and then finally realizes that we are using donor sperm and therefore we do need an appointment. You’re on the waiting list for a nurse’s appointment, she says. Ok, fine.
But do we have the donor sperm here, in the lab? she says. No, I say, we were told to get it after we had the nurse’s appointment. No, she says, the doctor told you things backward. You have to get the donor stuff here first. You can’t have a nurse’s appointment until the donor sperm is actually here in the lab.
Oh for goodness sake.