So last night we went for our first “information session” at the fertility clinic. It was at a neighboring hospital with lecture halls, so I felt like I was back in college (american style college, ie University) which was kinda fun.
The session, however, was scary.
Like, I knew this wasn’t just a magic pill plus some sperm and boom I’d be pregnant. But I thought…it would be more straightforward I guess.
We’ve always thought we’d do IUI, intrauterine insemination (artificial insemination), because (so far as the initial GP tests show) there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m young. But I hadn’t realized – IUI success rates, even for a young and healthy person, are only 15% per insemination! Compared with 40% per IVF insemination. And we have 3 tries for free…after that we have to pay. Which isn’t the end of the world, but IVF is a lot more expensive than IUI…so if we waste our 3 free tries on IUI and then have to move onto IVF…
Also…I don’t want to wait 10 tries to get pregnant. I want to be pregnant now now now! I mean, ok. I realize this is not practical, nor is it that simple even for a straight couple without any fertility problems! But…but…that is what my body demands. And my brain. I don’t want to wait. I know I have to, but I don’t want to. And I certainly don’t want to wait any more than I absolutely must.
I must say, the NHS (at least in my area) is pretty awesome. Among other things, the doctor giving the session mentioned how things would work if you were a same sex couple several times, making it a lot easier for us to understand and making it clear that he’s very used to treating same sex couples. Just made me feel way more at ease. Also made an amusing joke about lesbians in the clinic being a male factor fertility issue which was really quite amusing in the context. He made a lot of jokes, which really helped break the tension. It was weird being in a room filled with like maybe 70 other people, most of whom (there were a few other lesbian couples that we zitch-lesbianed*) are having serious physical fertility issues, and have been trying for at least a year and probably two. Talk about having to wait! I should really shut up. (or just do my complaining on an anonymous blog. Oh wait!!! 🙂 )
*Zitch Lesbian is what we call it when we see other Lesbians, based on the Zitch Dog game I used to play as a teenager when driving, where you say zitch dog every time you spot a dog on a long car journey. Person in the car who spots the most dogs wins. Super complicated I know. It’s fun to spot other lesbians around the neighborhood…don’t judge me.
So that’s all the real and practical and rational stuff. Now the irrational part – I’m scared. I’m really scared, for the first time, that it’s not going to work. I know we have a back up plan but I want Plan A to work! I want a baby. I want to get pregnant. I even want to give birth via the impossible size ratios. And this is so out of my control, so beyond being something I can just make happen if I try hard enough…and that’s scary.
Being on half dose of my pills at the moment, anxiety has been around more lately. It’s not driving me crazy, or making my life massively worse or anything. But I worry more, and more easily. So I know part of this is probably related to that. But…part of it is just fear. Fear of vulnerability, of wanting something that I might not get. I guess that’s…just what it is. So instead of letting it make me unhappy, I will accept that I’m scared of that eventuality, but know that a) I can cope with whatever happens, and B and I will be happy no matter what, and b) since I can’t control this, I will try to let go of my worry about it. I will do the best I can to get pregnant, and whatever happens, I will accept that it is out of my control.
hmmmm…I said try, right?