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Monthly Archives: May 2013

In London this year, we have not had spring. We’ve had a lot of winter. We’ve had a lot of grey. A lot of rain. A lot of cold and wind and unpleasantness.

I don’t really like winter or summer that much. I love spring and fall. This has been a long couple of months.

Nothing to do with baby making. Just true.

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So we got our first real communication from the fertility clinic today. My favourite thing about it was that they clearly anticipate the possibility of gay women or single women coming into the clinic. It is such a simple thing to do, such an easy consideration to make, and yet so many people don’t make it. Three cheers for the NHS (in my post code anyway…)

I have to go for yet another blood test before the appointment, which is fine, tho I don’t really understand why they couldn’t have just tested for whatever this is in the other set of blood tests I had prior to the referral. We also have to go to an information evening before our appointment which I’m guessing will be a little weird. Sitting in a room with mostly straight couples, who’ve been trying for ages without success and are super worried about this…not that we’re not worried it might not work, but its not the same.

Going off the anxiety meds has been going well I think…I’ve gotten a book about mindfulness to try while I do it. That’s always been something recommended to me, but I didn’t want to try it before now, most because (if I’m honest) it sounded hard. But now’s a good time I guess!

I tried going off my anxiety medication once before – I’d only been on it about 8 months or so, and I was feeling much, much better. I wasn’t really all that aware of the idea that it might be difficult to come off, and I’d gone on holiday and didn’t have enough to get through the whole trip. so I just stopped.

It didn’t work extremely well.

I didn’t notice much when we were on holiday, but in the following few weeks I was a mess, getting upset and worrying over big things and little things, having fun anxiety thoughts on repeat in my head, crying a lot, struggling with my brain generally. I finally made the connection (because yes, I am that dumb sometimes) and went back on my pills and things got better again.

When I was discussing this whole plan of going off the drugs with my doctor a couple weeks ago, he asked me if I’d ever gone off before. I said once, rather unsuccessfully.

“Did you have any side effects?” he asked

“Side effects?”

“Yes, did you notice any change between being on the medication and being off?”

This was the weirdest thing to me. Why wouldn’t I notice a change? And how could you call that “side effects”? since those very “effects” were the reason I went onto the drugs in the first place?

The idea that going off the drugs might cause the “side effect” of a return of my anxiety symptoms never occurred to me five years ago, but I’ve been very aware of it this time around. Sometimes I wonder if my worry about a return of worry is causing me to worry…

So far, I haven’t had much trouble, but Saturday was tough. I got sad after the less than happy ending of a TV show and that led to me being upset and anxious about other things in my life that had nothing to do with the show – they were just the excuse my brain picked because it wanted to get upset. At least that’s how it felt.

I was able to shake it off and not let it run the rest of my day or my lovely bank holiday weekend, but not before I cried on B for about 45 minutes, not even always understanding why I was crying. I wish I understood my brain better. I often can’t figure out why I am upset, or what the real root is, rather than whatever excuse I’m using. And I think that for the next couple months, that’s only going to increase in frequency. B is thrilled. So am I.

Of course today in the park we saw about a thousand babies and every time we saw one I’d go, ooh, I want one of those! They’re so cute in their summer outfits and sun hats. At least I’m going through all this for a good reason.

So first step of the whole baby thing is going off my anxiety medication. I’ve been on it successfully for 5 years. I never had any plans to go off until this whole baby thing, and I still wonder if it’s for the best (as my doctor pointed out, an anxious and stressed pregnancy also increases chances of problems for baby, which is the problem with my drugs). But I’m giving it a try and seeing how it goes.

It’s a very slow process – it will likely take over two months before I’m not on any dose at all. So far I have had…three days of reduced dose. I can tell no difference whatsoever. But since the drugs take a few weeks to start to be effective when you first start taking them, I’m guessing I won’t notice for awhile. If at all, I hope.

It’s hugely scary though.  I was supposed to start this process at the beginning of last week – but I was too stressed by the whole idea, too – ha this is a pathetic joke – anxious, and so I gave myself some time to get used to the idea.

I guess we’ll see how it goes!

I like the cartoon below very much – there’s pretty much nothing I can’t worry about. B once said to me, trying to understand how this worked, but surely you can’t be worried that zombies driving tanks will suddenly appear and take over the country. To which I replied…well now I am!