Yeah that’s totes me. Except for the whole, religious, mother of god, straight thing.
One problem that some lesbian mothers might face, that your average straight mother (though I won’t make sweeping statements here…) doesn’t is the whole…virgin thing.
Weird, I know. And to be fair this isn’t a problem for all lesbians, once again with the not wanting to make sweeping statements about other people’s sex lives! But for me, this comic is a bit appropriate, and as funny as I find it that I am kind of going to be having a virgin birth, I am also terrified of the pain.
Not just the pain of labour – obviously that is way fear inducing. But more immediately – the pain of getting inseminated.
Here’s how it works – just like with a pap smear, a speculum is used to, er, open things up, and then a catheter is inserted beyond the cervix and some nice fast sperm is inserted into the womb to hopefully fertilize the egg that is sitting there.
My problem with this, the pain part and the fear part, is the speculum.
Pap smears are incredibly difficult for me – they hurt like a bitch. And so I need to figure out ways to address this. Because I’ll have to sit there, with a speculum up my hoo-ha (which in the instance of pap smears makes me actually sob with the pain), for several minutes while they do the whole catheter/sperm bit. I can’t picture the pain, but I know it’s not going to be nice. So – any ideas?
In the end, B couldn’t come to the doctor with me. it was rather ridiculous…she ended up with a horrible 24 hour stomach bug that meant that while I was at the doctor, she was lying on the floor of the bathroom. Ah well.
I recorded the whole conversation for her, and she listened to it all, including the five minutes in the middle where the fire alarm went off in the practice accidentally and my doc had to out to fix it because he is apparently the practice handyman.
So the basics were, I’m perfectly healthy, thank goodness, and the doc is happy to refer us to the fertility clinic. Two problems remain – my anti-anxiety medicine, which increases the chance of a kind of heart problem by about 2 or 3 out of 1000, so from 2 to 3 in 1000 (in the general population) to 5 in 1000. And it does seem crazy to be taking a drug that messes with the chemicals in my brain when that drug passes through the placental barrier and would, I’m guessing, mess with the chemicals in my foetus’s brain.
So I should go off it, right? Well it’s complicated, because apparently being pregnant can really mess with mental health, and being stressed and anxious when your pregnant is bad for your foetus as well! And this medicine has been brilliant for me, I’ve been on it for 5 years and it’s really helped.
The other issue is a bit easier…I take allergy medicine every day, and there’s no research about whether it might be harmful or not! because of course, no one wants to join a drug trial when pregnant…
Also, discussing with B about whether we should get referred straight away, or wait a bit longer…she’s not quite as ready as me.
Today is the first doctor’s appointment for me and Mommy B. The first step in a (long) process that will (we hope) end with a screaming, squalling baby.
Why are we doing this again?
About a year ago, or more like 9 months, that ridiculous, stereotypical woman about to turn 30 thing happened to me – I went baby crazy. Mommy B calls it broody, but really, I feel like crazy has to be included in whatever description we choose. All of a sudden, I went from liking kids and thinking maybe someday we should have one, to being utterly convinced that I needed a baby. Right. Now.
Luckily, we didn’t let the crazy win. We looked at the financials. The practicalities. And we made a tentative plan. Either in September or January, I will be getting some sperm stuck up my hoo-hah and attempting to “fall pregnant” as they call it here in the UK (I like that expression. Like I slipped, fell, and landed on a foetus).
Mommy B and I are lucky – we live in a part of the UK where we get access to three tries at artificial insemination for free, through the NHS – we just need to buy the sperm. So today’s doctor’s appointment is to get that ball rolling, to get on whatever waiting lists need getting on, and ask as many questions as we can think of.
I mean, if it were up to me, I would get pregnant tomorrow. But when you’re a lesbian, that’s not really how it works, and anyway I think Mommy B’s head might explode (she’s not quite as READY as I am). So at least we’re getting started!